Thinking About Beyonce Stealing Super Bowl And Being All Like … Hmmm

So I wake up and hear all these morning news show anchors talking about how Beyonce stole the halftime show right out from under Coldplay during last night’s Super Bowl.

A New York Times‘ review is headlined “It’s Coldplay, Starring Beyonce, at Super Bowl Halftime Show.” USA Today says “Beyonce upstages Coldplay in Super Bowl halftime show.” Chicago Tribune says “Beyonce reduces Coldplay to appetizer.”

Ouch.

But I’m lying here in bed recalling my thoughts while watching the halftime show, and it was more like: “Wow, that’s cool how the Coldplay guy — what’s his name? — you know, Gwyneth Paltrow’s ex-husband, the guy who allowed her to name their kid Apple — anyway, he’s running out on the field with all these other people and jumping around like crazy. Woah, he just leaped five feet in the air. He’s liable to tear a meniscus. And now they’re playing that monotonous but catchy song ‘Paradise.’ Why do I like this song? The lyrics are laughable. The stage looks great. I like how Coldplay covers their instruments with colorful paint. Even the violins are painted. The band rocks in a visual way. Holy crap. Here’s Bruno Mars and his posse and they’re stealing the show. Mars embodies Michael Jackson, minus the monkey and glove. The lighting and camera work are incredible. Patterns of light move across stage, and the camera operator is zooming in while Mars is dancing toward the camera and against the light patterns, giving his movements a surreal quality. Mars looks like he’s floating on air while bending his own bones. And now here comes Beyonce. She is ravishing as usual. Her vocals don’t seem very strong though. And her dance routine isn’t nearly as fluid or creative as what Mars did. Oh, now they’re dancing together. Looks like Beyonce is upping her game. She probably realizes she’s being upstaged by a Hawaiian elf. Man, these two own the stage. And now Chris Martin is back, sticking his head in between them. I’d forgotten he was still here. Beyonce and Mars are dressed to perfection in black leather. Martin is wearing jeans and a T-shirt and looking like a local frat boy singer-songwriter named Chad who opened for a national touring act and now wants to jump on stage with them after he’s drunk.”

Anyway, Mars stole the show, with Beyonce coming in second, and Coldplay doing an admirable job as well. I’d definitely put this halftime show in the Top 5.

As for the game, well, it was kind of eh, although it was nice to see Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning get the trophy. He began this season looking like a crippled, arthritic, geezer wearing his grandson’s football gear and pretending to be a qb. He even got benched and humiliated. But he came back and won the biggest game in sports. If he doesn’t retire now, he simply doesn’t understand the concept of perfect timing.

Carolina Panthers qb Cam Newton didn’t fare so well. He smiled, danced, and charmed his way through his greatest season in the NFL, and then turned surly and petulant under his greatest spotlight. After a perfectly legal hit in the end zone, Newton lay prone on his back, kicking and punching the ground like a 2-year-old kid. Some might even call him a quitter. With a comeback victory still in reach, Newton shied away from contact rather than going after a loose ball. After after the game, he pouted in the press room and didn’t want to talk.

But Newton will learn from his Super Bowl experience. He could be the best qb in the NFL for the foreseeable future, barring injury, so it behooves him to play nice and set an example of maturity and sportsmanship.

Last night’s game was a bit of a borefest. Football can be pretty boring when you don’t care who wins. Once the Dallas Cowboys are out of the race, my interest wanes. I think I enjoyed hearing Lady Gaga slay the national anthem and seeing three talented musical acts put on a great halftime show than I did watching the Broncos and Panthers punt back and forth for three hours.

Go Cowboys!