I’d date an ogre if our conversations made me feel alive. I’d marry him if he could stare into my eyes and see my soul. Our kids would probably have some troubles in school —being part human and ogre and all — but they’d be really well adjusted with two devoted parents who were very much in love with each other. And I bet we’d kick some serious ass in family football games against the neighbors.
Of course I’m kidding, but only partially. The laws of attraction are a funny thing, but luckily, science is here to help us sort it out.
The New York Times reported about the concept of “mate value” earlier this summer. According to the concept and scientific research behind it, people usually pick partners based on beauty and physical symmetry because those two genetic factors are predictors of a mate’s health. Throw status and wealth into the mix, and you’ll increase the odds of offspring survival. So, that means I need a hot, well-built, rich guy in the upper echelon of Fort Worth society, right? Well, not exactly.
A curious thing happens when you spend time with a potential partner: His mate value changes. Hot guys (or girls) might not look so good when their personalities fall flat or you just can’t quite get that deep connection you’ve been hoping for.
And now for the clincher: When you meet a person and go straight into dating, the pair is more likely to be evenly matched physically. But when you start off as friends, and that friendship grows into a romantic relationship, all bets are off. He might be super hot and she might be plain Jane. Personally, I think that’s a great thing. Most of us long to find a long-term partner, and over time, we all age, getting wrinkles, love handles, and gray hair (if we have any hair at all). Looks fade, but real chemistry can last forever.
Which brings us back to the laws of attraction, and the fact that there are not really any laws at all. Sure, we all think we want the most physically fit, perfectly symmetrically, well-to-do beau in the bunch. But everyone wants something different.
For me, it’s easy: I want a guy who’s emotionally connected. Deep. Funny. Spiritual. Confident. And outgoing. If he happens to be cute, awesome. But it’s definitely not the most important thing on my list. Some level of physical attraction has to be there, but chemistry comes first.
Adrien Brody is my favorite actor. He’s talented. Smart. And takes on roles that other actors might run from. (Although he’s had some duds recently). Physically, a lot of women don’t find him attractive — I’ve asked. But I think he’s gorgeous. He’s not the classic Brad Pitt beauty. He’s different, which makes him better and more interesting in my growing novella.
But if I saw Adrien Brody walking down the road, and I didn’t know anything about him, I don’t think I’d look twice.
So where does that leave us in the online dating world of Tinder, where we swipe based on a picture? Well, more than a little mismatched.
Match.com even agrees. In a survey of single adults in America, it found that 33 percent of men and 43 percent of women had later fallen for somebody they initially didn’t find attractive. Oh, and that singles who use emojis have more sex. (Good thing I just downloaded a new app of just that).
Ladies, now for your moment of bliss: Adrien Brody and Rachel Weisz in “The Brothers Bloom.” I’d marry him, too. Hypothetically, of course.
As always, please write to me with your questions on love, relationships, and life at: xsandoscolumn@gmail.com.
XOXO,
Sarah
