Greg Abbott: Bootlicker in Chief

When Hillary Clinton lost the 2016 presidential election, the press told her to go away. When Donald Trump lost reelection last year, the mainstream media scrambled to keep his name alive, breathlessly reporting on every press release to come from his hive of bloodsucking bootlickers based in the country’s flaccid dong, Florida. Reminder: Trump cannot tweet because all he did on Twitter was feed misinformation to his followers/cultists, who now count among their sordid number nearly every Republican politician in our great republic in addition to steadfast true believer and unrepentant buzzkill Gov. Greg Abbott.

Now Texas’ fearful leader is being dragged into supporting the Big Lie, that the former guy “won” the 2020 presidential election but was denied the White House through some sort of elder magic despite zero supporting evidence. Though I honestly don’t care enough to check — so many omphaloskeptic novels to read, so little time — I can only imagine the stories being bought and sold by and from conservatives to answer the question “How can something be true when you can’t see, touch, taste, smell, or feel it?” Unless you’re talking about faith, the answer is, “It can’t, you dumb dummy!”

Voter fraud!, the Repubs howl. The truth? “Voter fraud” is so minimal it doesn’t even statistically matter. Faulty machines!, they roar. Again, even Republican voting agents examined every unit and came up with nada. Jewish space lasers changing votes! I mean, it would be funny if it weren’t actually something the former guy would tweet. I mean, something he would “press release.” Good lord, such a loser.

There’s no getting through to them in much the same way Greg Abbott will continue Greg Abbotting, and if there’s one thing Greg Abbott loves more than making excuses for the Houston Asterisks or not fixing power grids, it’s kissing Donald Trump’s pasty-white satchel-ass.

Last week, Greg received an open letter from the twice-impeached, one-term likely rapist, saying, “Let’s get to the bottom of the 2020 Presidential Election Scam!” Without a whiff of evidence, Trump went on to say that “Texans know voting fraud occurred in some of their counties.”

Abbott has not replied publicly, but like a mongrel staring up at the last French fry in your greasy mitt, the Secretary of State’s office, which oversees Texas elections, immediately announced a “full and comprehensive forensic audit” in four of the state’s most populous counties: red-leaning Tarrant and Collin and solidly blue Dallas and Harris. President Joe Biden won Dallas and Harris easily and even took Tarrant (no shit) by two-tenths of a percent. Collin went for the former guy by a lot. Isn’t there a church on every corner in Collin County? Have any of their parishioners ever even read the Bible? I’m sure there’s something in there about attacking women and sinking casinos and being an overall shit-heel. Anyway, the big question derived from the Big Lie is why the former guy is forcing Abbott, and Texas, to pay for and go through the laborious process of recounting a vote that the orange snowflake won by over 5%? And in a state whose election was smooth and, like every other election in all 49 other states, convincingly fraud-free?

When I think of remaining relevant, my mind first turns to my family. What can I do to serve them better? I also think about my job and my friends and extended family. How can I matter to them? When the former guy thinks about remaining relevant, it’s only for political points — political points, mind you, that he can translate into more profits for his brand. That’s all he cares about. He couldn’t care less about policy or you and me. Money. Becoming richer. That’s it. And grifting is easy when the entire mainstream media still lends credence to your lies by repeating them without context ad infinitum, all for those almighty clicks, and that’s what the msm turns to when its own relevance comes into question: clicks.

Pretty weird that anyone would have interest in a credibly accused rapist, proven racist, and compromised mushroom-dicked Russian asset who, when not lusting after his own daughter, bankrupted a casino (don’t those things essentially print money?), sprung 5,000 Taliban soldiers from prison, and spent 9/11 announcing a boxing match. So weird, right? It’s like we have no idea how human nature works or where water comes from. It’s like we have no idea how the mainstream media works and how desperate The New York Times, CNN, Washington Post, and others are to remain relevant. Do better. Dig deeper, hacks, and just ignore the squeaky orange wheel. He’ll be gone for good soon enough. *checks watch* Come on … — Anthony Mariani

This column reflects the opinions of the editorial board and not necessarily the Fort Worth Weekly. The Weekly welcomes submissions of all political persuasions. To submit a column, please email Editor Anthony Mariani at anthony@fwweekly.com. Submissions will be edited for factuality and clarity.