Survive Quarantine with These Mixers

As we all practice social distancing — feigning disappointment that we have to cancel our plans, stay at home in our jammies, and binge watch Netflix while we “work” remotely — don’t you wish you had stocked up on hootch rather than toilet paper? I mean, what good are those plush rolls if you don’t have a real reason to use your newly acquired artillery? 

To not only survive your voluntary house arrest but emerge on the other side with most of your sanity still intact, it may take something a little more substantial than a few extra ply. Like, booze. Where there’s swill, there’s a way. 

Take the Quarantini, for example. You may have seen a few recipes floating around the internet for this martini made with blood orange vodka and those Emergen-C vitamin packets to boost your immune system. Some memes even joke it’s just a regular martini consumed in isolation.

The Quarantini is just the beginning. I’m here to help you slosh together what little and varied spirits you already have stocked to make this retreat from the normal rigors of life, dare I say, enjoyable. I’ve got you COVID.

Wine About It

Yes, this whole quarantine business sucks. You’re not alone — though, in a physical sense, you should be. Six feet, people. 

Instead of whining, why not use these strange times in which we find ourselves as an excuse to do an altogether different kind of wine-ing? Grab any two half-drunk bottles that pass the sniff test, preferably a red and a white, and mix two ounces of each in a glass to make a lovely rosé. Pair with the last of your emergency chocolate or whatever snack you can scrounge from the recesses of your dwindling pantry. Phone call to your oldest friend for an hour-long bitch sesh optional but highly recommended.  

The COVID-19

19 shots of any alcohol of your choosing. You’ll definitely feel ill after, but take comfort knowing it’s (most likely) not due to the coronavirus. 

TP-Tini

For this, you’ll need all the fixins for a standard martini: 2-and-a-half oz gin or vodka, half oz dry vermouth, and a bag of marshmallows.

Mix your spirits and dry vermouth in a martini glass. Either shaken or stirred will do. Use those leftover chopsticks from last night’s take-out to poke a big hole through the center of the ’mallows, your “TP rolls.” Trim your ’tini with as many rolls as will fit in your cart — er, glass.

Pandemi-colada

This is like a piña colada, but it’s made in trash-can-punch quantities. Leave a glass at each of your neighbors’ doorsteps.

For one serving, combine 2 oz each of cream of coconut, pineapple juice, and rum, and two cups of ice. Blend until smooth and serve with fresh pineapple as garnish. If you don’t have fresh pineapple, mix in whatever fruit you have that might perish the fastest … or that slightly dented can of Del Monte fruit cocktail you’ve had stashed for years. Sip and try to imagine you’re on a beach somewhere. 

Corona

Crack open that one Corona that was shoved to the back of your fridge last summer. Wash your hands before, during, and after drinking it. 

Though not ideal, being cooped up with your family members for the foreseeable future has its perks — and if there’s one thing that has the power to unite us in this time of uncertainty, it’s a stiff drink. Cheers!