Check out these super-scientific evaluations of the 2019 Big 12 graduating class.
High school and college yearbooks tend to be rubbish and are becoming irrelevant due to the prevalence of social media. That said, the most enjoyable part of combing through memory books is comparing people to their superlative titles. I’ve painstakingly and objectively awarded these titles to the Big 12 member schools based on their athletic accomplishments, or lack thereof, in 2019.
Oklahoma, Most likely to Lie on their Resume
Sooner Sam decimated his competitors during football season, except Longhorn Larry, until Crimson Chris banished him from the first round of the college football playoff. Sooner Sam added a second-consecutive Heisman Trophy to an impressive award collection, and every other guy on campus wishes he could match his pigskin top-dog status. Sam boasts about his accomplishments on courts and in the classroom but is lying. Sam is serviceable at basketball but sits the bench drinking Capri Sun during baseball season. Football is all he has. He says he cares about academics but has been faking his transcripts and cheating on tests for years. U.S. News recently dropped him from their “Who’s Who Among Irritating Braggy Colleges” list.
Oklahoma State, Biggest Gossip
Cowboy Clyde is the outdoorsy type you’d rely on to help you landscape your yard –– trustworthy and down to earth. He’s not a star football player but hard-nosed and blue-collar. Baseball season is when he shines. Clyde always seems to be on the verge of greatness but never breaks through, a recurring issue he gripes about regularly. He’ll just have to be happy with cheap beer and flirting with pretty girls who end up dating someone else.
Kansas and Kansas State, Cutest Couple
You know Wildcat Wayne and Jayhawk Jenny will always be playing on a basketball court. This couple doesn’t seem to care about anything else, and it’s adorable. They love to fight, but their relationship is sunflower sexy, and they’re really all each other has in the world. They’re pretty deluded and think everyone cares about their drama, but no one does because the rest of the class cares more about outdoor sports.
Baylor, Most likely to Call the Cops on his Neighbors
Everyone loves a stickler, and that’s Baylor Barry to a “B.” Barry focuses on being the most moral man on campus and isn’t afraid to let everyone know about it. He seems to have turned over a new leaf after some shady behavior in his adolescent years. Barry used to be a football star, but basketball and tennis seem to suit his new buttoned-up lifestyle. Don’t expect to see him at any campus parties. Barry is the resident assistant who abhors off-color jokes and takes curfew seriously.
Texas Tech, Most Well-rounded
No surprise here. Raider Ralph stayed busy all year. Fall was tough after Ralph’s attractive but inept football coach was fired. Ralphie rebounded to play for a basketball national championship but lost in overtime. And, un-phased, Ralph worked diligently on the baseball diamond and finished in the Top 4 in the country. He raced past everyone else to finish track season in first place, too. If only he can find a coach to bring him to gridiron glory, he can rise to the head of the class.
UT, Most Popular
I don’t know how he does it. Longhorn Larry rules the school without being outstanding at anything except tennis, which makes sense considering his massive trust fund and shady former coach. You’ll always find him at a campus kegger boasting that he runs the school. He does, but simply because he buys the beer. Everyone bashes Larry when he’s not around but still votes for him at the end of term. It’s easy to hate the popular kid.
West Virginia, Most Likely to Set Fire to his Couch
Nuff’ said.
TCU, Most Likely to Blame Injuries
TCU Trent is athletic, or so he says, but always seems to be nursing some sort of debilitating injury. It’s never the same injury. Knee during football. Shoulder during basketball. Hip during baseball. The coaches compliment Trent’s tremendous potential, but he’s a little soft. Trent played only about half the season in each respective sport and is in danger of being dropped to junior varsity on every team he plays. He really needs to decide next year if he’s hurt or injured.
