Edgar Rice Burroughs, the author of Tarzan of the Apes, was never the most skilled wordsmith, but as science-fiction writer Jack DeVitt said, “When it rains in a Burroughs novel, the reader gets wet.” In comparison, The Legend of Tarzan is as dry as expired cardboard left out in the sun. This movie is so boring it’s infuriating.
The setup isn’t bad. Instead of another retread of an origin story everybody knows, The Legend of Tarzan picks up long after Tarzan (Alexander Skarsgård) has reclaimed his English title and name as Lord John Greystoke, has become famous as Tarzan the Ape Man, and is living at Greystoke Manor with his wife, Jane (Margot Robbie). Unfortunately, events back in the jungle reach out to the Greystokes. Belgian slaver and diamond hunter Leon Rom (Christoph Waltz) has set in motion a plan to enslave parts of the Congo and become rich. Tarzan, accompanied by hunter George Washington Williams (Samuel L. Jackson), must return to the jungle to defeat Rom. And rescue Jane, whom Rom has captured.
Like I said, it’s not the setup that’s bad. It’s damn near everything else. Skarsgård is physically fine as Tarzan, but whether he’s dealing with dignitaries in England or encountering his lost tribe of gorillas in the Congo, his performance is as flat as his abs. Waltz fares even worse. His Rom, a real historical figure, comes across inconsistently as either too cowardly and incompetent or too ruthless and cunning. It doesn’t help that his character’s signature weapon is a set of rosary beads, so he basically kills people with a necklace. Not bad for symbolism, but it easily amounts to the most ridiculous screen villain this year, and that list includes Jesse Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor in Batman v Superman. Robbie is game as Jane, but she’s mostly relegated to damsel status, held hostage in boring scene after boring scene with Waltz. Only Jackson, as another real-life historical figure, stands out, bringing not only badly needed humor and life to the film but also pulling life out of his fellow performers.
Equally flat and lifeless are the special effects. Imagine if the cartoonish jungle chase scene from the fourth Indiana Jones movie was the basis for an entire movie’s special effects, only worse. These scenes happen with little of the setup necessary to give them emotional or even visual weight. The fight scenes come off almost as dreadful, hinging on more smash edits and jump cuts than actual smashing and jumping. Add in some bad shaky cam and confusing sweeping cameras, and you’ve got the worse aspects of Peter Jackson and Zack Snyder made boring. As if that’s not enough, the movie is about as dour and joyless as Man of Steel. Nearly every scene ends with pseudo-poignant slow motion and somber music, as if director David Yates, who helmed the final four Harry Potter flicks, is super-seriously contemplating the importance of nature. Problem is, he forgot to also focus on what makes nature fun and amazing, to give the somber moments some much needed weight.
I’ve seen some bad movies this year, but even Warcraft didn’t bore me to anger like Tarzan did.
[box_info]The Legend of Tarzan
Starring Alexander Skarsgård, Christoph Waltz, Margot Robbie, and Samuel L. Jackson. Written by Adam Cozad and Craig Brewer, based on the stories by Edgar Rice Burroughs. Directed by David Yates. Rated PG-13.[/box_info]
