The Gym and I

I walked into my seven-year-old son’s room this morning and he poked me in stomach and said, “Mom, when did you get fat? You seriously need to lay off the candy or you might explode.” Yes, he is still alive. Barely. And although I neither like nor approve of the use of the word “fat,” I agree with the little turdbag that I could stand to be more fit.

And I guess God and the universe and my son all feel the same, because a week or so ago I was approached by a Fort Worth Weekly editor to write a fitness and diet blog. I looked at him and said, “Ummmm….?” And he clearly understood what I meant. He put his hands up and said something like, “Yes, we understand you are not going to be able to adhere to … perfection, but we’d like an honest, and humorous take on various things we ask you to do.” Fair enough.

I basically had to sign something in blood saying that I would try whatever crazy fad or tried-and-true diet or exercise they came up with. I signed, and then the editor sent me something about a coffee enema diet. I’m hoping to push that idea off for a while…

Every week, I will be trying some new form of torturous physical test designed to slim, tone, and/or strengthen my body and then sharing my experiences –– the good, the bad, and the wretched. Just think of me as your fitness canary hurdling down every sweat-soaked coalmine in this town. (Barre classes and cleanses and fit bits, oh my.) I have a feeling the editors are going to have some fun with this and I know I will, too. Even if I don’t, I hope to lose a few pounds and gain some new insight.

Everywhere you look these days, from magazine covers to some person you knew in eighth grade trying to sell you vitamin water on Facebook, it’s hard to go a full hour without something or someone trying to shame you for not looking like an underwear model. Online pop-up ads taunt you with headlines like, “Drop 10 lbs This Week!,” “Washboard abs in 30 days!’,” and “How did Khloe lose 30 lbs this weekend?!” It’s impossible to keep up. A friend from high school messaged me the other day asking if I had tried the ‘fascial blaster.’ No, I haven’t, but I ordered one to try and will let you know if it works. Speaking of ‘It Works’ … I might be testing those wraps as well.

One thing I am not is a fitness expert. Quite the opposite. I sweat a lot. I fall a lot. I fail a lot. And that’s OK because it makes the successes that much sweeter. I turn 40 this year and got a divorce last year ––  a little out with the old in with the new, I guess you could say. I have two boys that I love dearly, despite what my oldest said to me this morning. I have lived in Fort Worth since I was eight years old, and I look forward to exploring fitness, nutrition, and overall wellness in this fine city of ours.

If you are ever afraid to try something new because you are going to be the worst, biggest, sweatiest, grossest thing in the class, get over yourself. That’s me. And if you are, who cares? Life really is short. Take it by the balls.

I hope you enjoy my adventures. Maybe they will inspire you to do something new or outside of your comfort zone. I’ll let you know how the coffee enema turns out.