When I saw the top story of Monday’s Star-Telegram, I initially mused about how it must have been a slow news day. But then I realized that it took precedence over the inevitable “return of Romo” article, so I sat up and read it. The headline? “Powdered alcohol could arrive in Texas as soon as next year.”
I’ll summarize the story this way: Despite the fact that “dozens of other states” have banned powdered alcohol, Texas is not among them, and it’s all because a Galveston businessman and city councilmember named Ralph McMorris recently met with State Rep Charlie Geren, convincing the Fort Worth Republican to withdraw a bill to ban the stuff. Should it pass approval, from the Federal Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau and the Texas Alcoholic Beverages Commission, McMorris’ brand of powdered alcohol could be available for sale in two weeks or fewer after getting the OK.
The company in question is called Lieutenant Blender’s. McMorris is CEO, and if you go to ltblenders.com, you’ll find a whimsical origin story that sounds like part of an early, abandoned draft for the 1996 Kelsey Grammer submarine thriller Down Periscope. The site’s copy alleges that on a “lonely Caribbean island” occupied by U.S. paratroopers, one Lt. McMorris became a hero because he was the only one who brought a blender and thereby became known as Lt. Blender after he fueled the troops’ “weekend beach party breaks.” Lt. Blender later figured out how to mix cocktails in empty ration bags, saving them in the base’s mess hall freezer, which allowed him to stockpile a bunch of his homemade boat drinks. Later, after “several careers and four kids,” Lt. Blender moved to Galveston, where he apparently found a run-down ice cream factory and decided to revive his island libation concoction process.
The powdered alcohol is not yet available for sale, and currently the company sells only pre-packaged mixers that you have to add alcohol and water to. There’s a video on the site featuring a vaguely Hawaiian-looking woman with a vaguely Northern-sounding accent explaining the intricate mixing procedure (“you fill it to this line with alcohol, then you fill it to this other line with water, and then you shake it”) in what looks like an office conference room that’s about to turn into a lunch-hour luau. It’s probably the most Galveston thing I’ve ever seen. But come next year, Lt. Blender’s tropical pitchwoman might be explaining some advanced chemistry (surely the process of dehydrating alcohol is a complex one) should McMorris’ product hit store shelves.
The part of me that’s been 19 years old 18 years running thinks powdered alcohol is a marvelous invention, but the part of me that pays bills by making alcoholic drinks for people is kind of horrified. Not surprisingly, opponents of Lt. Blender’s magical booze powder think it’s going to be a hit with and danger to minors, as well as a perilous additive to drinks that are already sufficiently spiked with sauce. Will a couple tablespoons of powdered alcohol make your mojito better? Probably not, but it will definitely make it a stiffer, though McMorris seems to think this isn’t much of a concern because, once it’s reconstituted, the alcohol by volume of his product “is probably about 10 percent.”
FYI to McMorris and Geren: a 10-percent ABV beverage is nothing to sneeze at, and if I’m being honest, I probably wouldn’t take a breathalyzer test after drinking a few. Then there’s the issue of having to police this shit while I’m at work. Sure, a big bag with a capped spout on the top is conspicuous but not so conspicuous that it wouldn’t fit under a big coat or a in a huge purse –– the potential for smuggling in outside alcohol and getting too intoxicated at a bar and getting my TABC permit revoked or worse is indeed frightening. Geren might be giving Lt. Blender’s product a chance to prove that it’s safe. It’s just aggravating that he’s doing it potentially at the expense of my employment.
And I’m not the only bartender to think this. I posted about powdered alcohol on Life Behind Bars, a service industry-only Facebook group (which at present has more than 13,000 members), asking if bartenders are excited or terrified of powdered alcohol on a professional level. As of this writing, the responses were entirely negative. If your bartender thinks you shouldn’t be drinking something, maybe you should listen. –– Steve Steward
Follow Steve @bryanburgertime.
