Have I mentioned that I’ve made a lot of mistakes? Because I have. They’ve been piling up like beers cans after my New Year’s Eve party. But the biggest thing I did wrong after getting separated from my husband was running (with scissors) straight into dating.
Trying to put a band-aid on loneliness can lead to all kinds of trouble. And I’ve found my fair share of it. Luckily, the men I dated were sweet and forgiving. I just wasn’t ready for anything serious, or even semiserious. The slightest hint of commitment gave me the shivers and I headed for the hills.
Time is a miraculous thing. It changes our heart. It changes our mind. And it changes the way we see marriage and relationships. But time is what it takes.
I asked Dr. Jane Hickerson, counselor and assistant dean of field education in the school of social work at University of Texas, Arlington, how long somebody should wait to date after a divorce or separation. Her advice was brilliant:
“In short, I wouldn’t put an exact ideal time for people to remarry or re-enter the dating world,” said Hickerson. “Instead, I encourage people to spend enough time together to see prospective mates react in all situations. How does he react if she’s always late? How does she react to his Wednesday night poker games? How does s/he parent his or her children? Can he be flexible? Can she be patient? Do they laugh at the same things, and enjoy the same music? How do they feel when they’re together? Are they walking on eggshells to keep from starting a fight?
Couples are ready to commit when their affection for each other is evident in how they treat each other; how they problem-solve; how they prioritize their values; how they support each other; how they work through aggravations; and whether they provide a safe emotional harbor for each other. Only with respect, support, and safe intimacy can people grow together as a couple and face life as it comes.”
She goes on to say, that, “if after six months of dating, you’re arguing, criticizing each other, and looking for the other person to ‘change’ in some way, you’re on the road to a disastrous relationship. It’s easier to separate at this point if you aren’t married.”
Huffington Post blogger and best-selling author, Honoree Corder, says there are three main ways to know when you’re ready to look for love again after divorce. I think her ideas make a lot of sense:
1. You know what you want and what you don’t want in a partner.
This is the easiest one for me. (I’ve been compiling this list in my brain for a while.) Of course, you’ll want some of the qualities found in your former partner, but obviously, not everything. Taking a pen to paper and actually writing this down is highly therapeutic and helpful. It’ll save time and bad first dates down the road.
2. You’re somewhere between love and hate for your ex.
Most of the time, lukewarm is no way to live. But when it comes to feelings for a former partner, it’s just right. A good way to know when it’s healthy to move into dating is when you have fond feelings for your ex but you’re not in love anymore. I’ll always love my ex to some degree. Anyone who’s been in a relationship for over a decade would probably agree, because there are so many forms of love. I want the best for him and his life, separate from mine.
3. You’re excited about reengaging in the world.
You should be scared. You should be careful. And you should take it slow. But you should also be excited about the prospect of meeting somebody new. Life is an adventure that can hurt and sting and be utterly amazing all in the same year. But first, you’ve got to get past the pain to experience the joy of a new reality.
As always, please write to me with your questions on love, relationships, and life at: xsandoscolumn@gmail.com.
XOXO
Sarah
