Have you ever experimented with going out one night and not drinking at all? As in, being the only sober one with a group of friends for an entire night? I’m talking about a place that only serves drinks –– no live music, TV, or trivia. Unless you are pregnant, a designated driver, or in recovery, I do not recommend it. Actually, you shouldn’t be there if you’re in recovery because that’s just risky, and it’s 2015 so people can get an Uber. And ladies, if you are pregnant, I’d say opt for a movie.
I was trapped in this situation as the planner of a best friend’s 30th birthday while on antibiotics a while back. I was uninsured at that time, so going back to the doctor or paying out of pocket for another round of drugs was not an option. So, being a hero of a BFF, I marched on into the night, armed with a soda water and lime, and attempted to enjoy myself at The Grotto Bar (517 University Dr.), followed by Studio Eighty (509 University Dr.). Clearly these were plans made previously over many dinks.
It was, and always is, just an awful experience and here is why:
People are annoying. And I don’t mean drunk people. I mean humans en masse. Being surrounded by a large group, surrounded by other large groups whilst sober as a Mormon will bring out the introvert in anyone. So many conversations, primarily pointless, sometimes deep and slurred, and full of fake niceness is a nightmare. Have you ever thought “I can have a good time sober at a bar!” Well, yes, you can for about 12 minutes and then it’s torture. Your group will want to stay for five hours and you will want to kill most of them after that long.
You get tired. 11pm may not seem late, but without the sugar and carbs flowing, being out at that hour is exhausting. Also, you likely had dessert after dinner because coconut cream pie is a great substitution/ something to do while everyone else is boozing and lingering at the restaurant. So after you fill your stomach to Thanksgiving levels of remorse, you stand for two hours at the bar pretending to be interested in the same conversations. That will put you to bed faster than a hot bath and a Xanax.
It’s boring as hell. I never attempted this experiment before the days of smart phones and I know I would not have survived it. Without Twitter, e-readers, Instagram, etc. I don’t think I could spend more than four minutes at a drinking establishment sans drinking. Now I can catch up on social media, reading and even sneak in a movie in between pointless conversations and people watching. The night of my friend’s birthday, I actually left the bar for several 20 minute breaks and watched It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia reruns. Unfortunately the phone strategy only lasts as long as your battery and also be aware that you will look like a total dick for being anti-social.
If you still think you can do it, I do not urge you to try this experiment. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. The takeaway here is to have some compassion for the pregnant designated Mormon in recovery at the bar the next time you go out. Don’t bother with small talk, just offer up your phone charger instead of trying to make buzzed small talk with them.
