The first and last person I dated seriously was the guy I married. Our hand-holding in the high school hallway romance started when we were just 18. He wore thrift store Hawaiian shirts, flip- flops, and cutoff khakis, and walked the halls of Haltom High School like a benevolent king. I was smitten, and later, deeply in love with this tall, dark, and handsome kid.
But that’s all we were, just kids. Making leaps into each other’s lives not knowing who we really were or who we wanted to become. Looking back, that was part of our problem. Falling in love so early in life — and getting married and staying married for more than a decade — means you have no experience in the single world of dating. It’s like you’re about to start a new job as an accountant but you’ve never handled money.
When faced with the unknown, I don’t go at it alone. This week, I called in the experts: Enter Fairmount’s fabulous three, who I’ve renamed to protect their privacy (not everyone is as crazy as me and willing to share their life on the page, nor should they be).
These beautiful thirty-something women all have young kids, work full-time, and live in the Near Southside — a hipster with a dash of hippie style neighborhood located in south Fort Worth.
A few weeks ago, I’d asked how long women should wait to have sex with a guy they’re dating. This seems like an important answer to know before you go on a date, and wine clouds your reasoning and clothes start making their way to the floor.
“If I were sober, I’d totally make him wait five dates,” said Ann. She’s drinking a glass of wine while her two lovely daughters play board games beside us at Chimera Brewing Company, located off Magnolia Avenue in the Southside.
“I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer,” said Michelle. “Yeah, when you feel it, you do it,” said Emily. Michelle has a three-year-old daughter and has been divorced for two years. Emily has been with her partner for eight and has a two-year-old who rocks out to plenty of live music shows alongside her parents.
But there’s a real fear to dating and having sex again, especially after you’ve gone through a divorce, like Michelle and Ann.
“It had been so many years since I’d been thinking about anyone else that I didn’t even know what I wanted or needed,” said Michelle, who was married to her daughter’s father for about three years, but together for 10.
“It sucks getting hurt,” said Ann. So she doesn’t get close enough to let it happen, at least not yet.
Michelle says that she didn’t let herself get really close to the men she was dating for long time, “until I met somebody who was worth it.”
“Maybe you have to go through so many trials of that?” said Emily. That’s the prevailing thought on bad breakups and divorces. The chances of finding “the one” immediately after a breakup are nearly nil.
Luckily, Michelle didn’t have to go through that many guys (or that many dates) to find her now boyfriend. But after being divorced, she knew what she really wanted.
Turns out, all these women want the same thing in a partner: Honesty. Oh, and he’s got to be hot, but that’s not the most important thing. Not even a little bit. It’s trust, shared responsibility, and conversation.
When we’re ready to face our fears and run the risk of getting hurt again, we’re ready for love or at least sex.
“I still haven’t shaved my legs,” said Ann. (It’s been six weeks and she’s growing a lovely jungle of leg hair — hey, who says women need to shave their legs, anyway?). But seriously, Ann looks like a supermodel, hairy or not. A celibate supermodel who hasn’t had sex in nearly two years.
“I feel like if I shave my legs, I’m going to give it up a lot easier; if I shave my legs, it’s going down.” By not shaving, she’s protecting her heart and putting a barrier between her and intimacy.
“But I’m getting closer,” she said. “When I was at CVS the other day I thought about buying condemns.”
Healing from heartbreak takes so much time. Personally, I feel like time isn’t on my side — that I should always being moving at warp speed and accomplishing the next task, whether it’s writing more stories, dating, or finalizing my divorce.
At my wedding, we read a passage from 1 Corinthians 13. “Love is patient. Love is kind…It always protects. Always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Here’s to patience. Not shaving our legs, and hoping for someone worth hurting for.
Write to me with your questions on love, relationships, and life at: xsandoscolumn@gmail.com
XOXO
Sarah
