Yelpless

I like Yelp for its maps and search function. It’s pretty helpful for finding dives that have somehow escaped search engine indexing, but because Yelp allows feedback only in the form of buttons that mark reviews as “funny,” “useful,” or “cool,” there’s no room for debate or rebuttal against the acrimonious testimonials of self-proclaimed gourmands. Oh, I’m sure there are a lot of “elite” Yelpers, who have the palates and dining and drinking experiences to justify their opinions, but most of the place-haters on Yelp sound like pretty boring people, who deserve the same steely-eyed scrutiny they apply to unimpressive brunches and non-life-changing Moscow Mules.

One Yelp reviewer led me wrongly to expect a horrible time at a place I visited in Keller on Monday called the Quarter Horse Sports Tavern, formerly (and kind of awesomely) named the Chow ’n’ Chill. I don’t know what changes arrived with the bar’s new name, but I found its current incarnation to be a tidy sports bar with ample seating and sedate ambiance. While the entire front wall is floor-to-ceiling windows, the rest of the room is painted a delicious cornsilk blue, the back wall accented with blocks of mosaic and backlit yellow agate. On the night of my visit the 15 TVs on the walls showed the Jets-Dolphins game on mute. The woman behind the granite bar seemed legitimately interested in my day, and she was quick to get me a drink. I thought the place was nice, but perhaps the Quarter Horse is dramatically different than its predecessor, only because Yelp reviewer Vic H. (who visited it as the Chow ’n’ Chill a couple of months ago) gave it a two-star review.

“Chow ’n’ Chill touted a famous waffle burger, and a couple of people in our group decided to be brave enough to try it,” he claims. “Myself, I chose the less-adventurous tacos.”

I don’t want to call you basic, Vic, but when a waffle burger sounds exotic to you, I dunno. Have you heard of this thing called Indian food? Already I’m questioning the credibility of your two-star diss, but maybe the order was messed up or the prep time inordinately long.

“The service was decent. The waitress was new and wasn’t too familiar with the mixed-drink menu, but aside from that we received our drinks pretty promptly. The food was brought out quickly, as well.”

OK, so a new waitress doesn’t know what vodka the bartender puts in a martini, but your drinks still came out in time? What was your problem, again? Oh, I see. It’s that scary-sounding waffle burger. You obviously hated it, right?

“Let me describe the burger.” By all means. “It appeared to be a typical burger, a fried egg over easy, covered in melted cheese. The waffles looked like they came straight out of an Eggo box, and one side of the waffle burger was slathered in jelly.”

Well, when you put it that way, Vic, it doesn’t sound that appetizing.

“The two people in our group who ate it had no real complaints and ate the entire burger. Maybe they were hungry?”

Wait. You’re giving the thumbs-down to a burger you didn’t even try?!?

Vic H. goes on to take issue with the server’s lack of coins, thereby shorting the change by 71 cents. The manager should have probably apologized or at least asked if you had 29 cents. I guess he or she was lucky you awarded their place any stars at all — some of your compatriots on Yelp might have clamored for a federal inquiry. Maybe your life is so good that a B- time at a sports bar is actually no better than a D+, in which case, I’m sorry for suggesting you’re boring. At least your Yelp review was useful. The waffle burger didn’t make it onto the Quarter Horse’s menu. –– Steve Steward

Contact Last Call at lastcall@fwweekly.com.