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YU DARVISH: SIGN ME, YOU SEXY TEXAS RANGERS, AND I WILL MAKE SWEET LOVE ON YOUR PITCHERS MOUND.
YU DARVISH: "SIGN ME, YOU SEXY TEXAS RANGERS, AND I WILL MAKE SWEET LOVE ON YOUR PITCHERS MOUND."

I went to one of those big box stores to check out a high-def TV selling for $500 — except when I arrived, the store wanted to charge another $1,000 just for the rights to shop there.

“WTF?” I said, since I always speak as if I’m texting. “OMG! LOL!”

Then I woke up and realized the Texas Rangers are influencing my dreams.

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See, the Rangers are willing to pay $51.7 million — $51.7 million!!! — just for the rights to negotiate with Japanese pitcher Yu Darvish. Then they’ll have to offer many, many more millions of dollars to sign him.

It’s crazy. It’s a gamble.

Darvish has got an impressive pitching record in Japan, but he’s never played against Major League Baseball players. They’re so ‘roided up they make Godzilla resemble one of Yoko Ono’s lap dogs.

On the other hand, Rangers president Nolan Ryan loves this guy. Had his eye on him for years. Because of his pitching. Not because Darvish is a pretty boy married to sexy Japanese screen queen Saeko.

FIRST KHLOE KARDASHIAN HITS THE METROPLEX, NOW COMES SAEKO.
FIRST KHLOE KARDASHIAN HITS THE METROPLEX, NOW COMES SAEKO. WHO NEXT, SNOOKI?

And certainly not because the young pitcher likes to pose in fashion magazines and dribble water down his neck instead of in his mouth.

HEY YU -- PUT THE GLASS TO YOUR LIPS AND YOU WONT SPILL AS MUCH.
PUT THE GLASS TO YOUR LIPS AND YOU WON'T SPILL AS MUCH, YU.

“I put my pants on one leg at a time,” Darvish allegedly did not say. “Sometimes I don’t put them on at all. That’s the way I egg roll.” (Yes, loyal readers, that is the worst joke to ever appear in Blotch.)

Forget the skin and the hot wife and cover shots. Nolan likes the kid’s pitching style, 90-plus mph fastballs, and competitive spirit.

I’m sticking with Nolan.

Let’s get this Darvish dude signed and make our third consecutive trip to the World Series.

Fans will tolerate his narcissism if he helps bring home a World Series trophy.

YES, NOLIE, I WILL PLAY FOR YOU. AND YOU WILL LOVE ME. FOR I AM SO SEXY AND TALENTED.
"YES, NOLIE, I WILL PLAY FOR YOU. AND YOU WILL LOVE ME. FOR I AM SO SEXY AND SO TALENTED."

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14 COMMENTS

  1. I was really worried about this, until I sat back and thought,” the great Nolan Ryan is in charge of this”. It’s all good now.

  5. Can we all agree to no more headlines with “Yu” in place of “you”? And no references to him as a “whirling Darvish.” Thanks.

  8. I like this move by the Rangers. No prospects given up, just cash. Even if Darvish flames out after three years (as some Japanese pitchers have done), he’ll help in the short term, and when you’ve made the World Series the last two years without winning it, you’re all about the short term. The catch there is that foreign players sometimes require an adjustment period when moving to a new country, and the Rangers aren’t in much of a position to wait for Darvish to adjust. They need him to be good almost immediately.

  9. Don’t expect a bump in Japanese tourism in Arlington. Even if Darvish is lights-out, he’ll still only be pitching once every five games. That won’t inspire too many people to fly in from Yokohama and Kyoto.

  10. Didn’t they say the same great things about Chan Ho Park and other international pitchers? Most times they flame out under MLB pressure.

  11. Don’t forget that Park was good for a few years, too, when he was pitching for the Dodgers. Obviously, if Darvish turns out to be a flop on the order of Kei Igawa, or if he gets hurt like Wang Chien-Ming, then this is a big mistake by the Rangers. But even if that is the case, the Rangers only lose money and not personnel. They can still fill any holes in their lineup by trading. The move does likely price the team out of signing Prince Fielder, which only matters if you think the Rangers have a burning need for him. I don’t know the answer to that one.

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