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The internet offers tons of bad family Christmas photos, so I downloaded a handful and sent them to the North Pole and asked special guest columnist Santa Claus to describe his thoughts on them.

I SAID SANTA NOT SANDUSKY FOR CHRISSAKES!
"I SAID 'SANTA' NOT 'SANDUSKY' FOR CHRISSAKES!"
GRANDMA LEFT THIS PARTY AFTER THE PHOTO WAS TAKEN AND WAS MYSTERIOUSLY STRUCK DOWN AND KILLED BY A HERD OF REINDEERS...AT MY COMMAND.
"GRANDMA LEFT THE PARTY AND WAS MYSTERIOUSLY STRUCK DOWN BY A REINDEER...AT MY COMMAND."
I SKIPPED THAT HOUSE.
"I SKIPPED THAT HOUSE."
THIS BUNCH SANG ME A CHRISTMAS SONG CALLED JOY TO THE WORLD, A GLOOMY, DOOMED WORLD OF WOE WHERE DEATH IS THE ONLY THING TO LOOK FORWARD TO. IT WAS A CATCHY SONG.
"THIS BUNCH SERENADED ME WITH A CHRISTMAS SONG CALLED 'JOY TO THE GLOOMY, DOOMED WORLD OF WOE WHERE DEATH IS THE ONLY TRUE END.' "
CHIA PETS ARE ALWAYS A GOOD GIFT IDEA.
"CHIA PETS ARE ALWAY
THIS WAS RICK PERRYS TREE -- STARTED OFF A LITTLE TO THE LEFT AND THEN VEERED WAY OFF TO THE RIGHT.
"THIS WAS RICK PERRY'S TREE -- STARTED OFF A LITTLE TO THE LEFT AND THEN VEERED WAY OFF TO THE RIGHT."
THERES SOMETHING REALLY ODD ABOUT THIS PHOTO BUT I CANT PUT MY FINGER ON IT...OH YEAH...WHY IS A SNOWMAN WARMING HIS HANDS BY A FIRE? SPEAKING OF WHICH, IM REALLY GLAD HE DID.
"THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY ODD ABOUT THIS PHOTO BUT I CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON IT...OH YEAH...WHY IS A SNOWMAN WARMING HIS HANDS BY A FIRE? SPEAKING OF WHICH, I'M REALLY GLAD HE DID."
THIS, TO ME, REPRESENTS THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS.
"THIS, TO ME, REPRESENTS THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS."
THIS IS THE HALL FAMILY. BELIEVE ME, ID LIKE TO DECK THE HALLS.
"THIS IS THE HALL FAMILY. I'D LIKE TO DECK THE HALLS."
AH YES, I RECALL THAT HOME -- THE MILK WAS SOUR, THE COOKIES SMELLED LIKE CIGARETTES, AND THAT COUCH REALLY STANK.
"AH YES, I RECALL VISITING THAT HOME -- THE MILK WAS SOUR, THE COOKIES TASTED LIKE CIGARETTES, AND THAT COUCH REALLY STANK."
NAUGHTY AND NICE.
"NAUGHTY AND NICE."
SNOTTY AND NICE.
"SNOTTY AND NICE."
THIS WAS ME TAKING A MUCH NEEDED BREAK AFTER CHRISTMAS LAST YEAR.
"THIS WAS ME TAKING A MUCH NEEDED BREAK AFTER CHRISTMAS LAST YEAR."
THIS IS ME TAKING A BREAK FROM MY BREAK.
"THIS IS ME TAKING A BREAK FROM MY BREAK."

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