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Off Asides On Dallas Cowboys

Monday, November 16th, 2009 by Jeff Prince

The Dallas Cowboys and I suffered similar problems on Sunday – hangovers.

Mine came from a new idea I had regarding beer consumption. Seems that after a certain number of beers (say about 12 or 13), my taste buds go stale, beer tastes bland, and I get tired of drinking. So I performed an experiment on Saturday night. I bought two brands of beer – Bud Lite and regular Miller – and alternated between them all night. My taste buds stayed fresh and I enjoyed can after can of cold beer for many, many hours. Too many. I didn’t go to bed until sunrise. Sunday was a rough day for me.

The Cowboys were also suffering a hangover. Football hangovers occur when teams work their asses off to get to the top, reach their lofty goal — and then have a mental collapse.

The Cowboys won three games in a row before they went to Philadelphia last week and walloped the Eagles, taking over first place in the Eastern Conference. They were due a hangover.

Fortunately, the Eagles also tanked yesterday, meaning the Cowboys still own sole possession of first place. Our team will be fine.

Yesterday’s game against the Green Bay Packers started well enough. The Cowboys defense stuffed the Packers on their first possession, and then the Cowboys offense drove down the field. But Romo overthrew a wide-open Miles Austin, who would have easily scored a touchdown. Nick Folk missed a field goal and the curse was complete.

The Cowboys were off their game and remained that way for the next three hours.

Romo is finally getting smart when it comes to manly headwear. After two years of being criticized by anal, obsessive fans, he no longer wears his ballcap backward. If Romo likes his cap on backward, he should wear it that way. Judgmental, intrusive fans can butt the hell out of his business when it comes to how he wears a hat.

Yesterday, Romo pulled an end around. He wore a toboggan on the sidelines, which looks like a backward ballcap from the front, but doesn’t allow busybodies to get their panties in a wad.

What is wrong with a backward ballcap? Somebody explain. I don’t see the problem. Would you rather have your quarterback look like Tom Joad?

Jimbo, my football fanatic friend from East Texas, was a basket case during the game. Afterward, he had some nice things to say about the defense but he was down on wideout Roy Williams, who is beginning to resemble that other Roy Williams who used to play here. From now on Jerry Jones should avoid signing any player named Roy Williams.

Williams’ fumble after an important catch in the second quarter, and then a dropped pass later in the game, poured cold water on a Cowboys offense that desperately needed a spark.

“How much longer are we going to throw to Roy?” Jimbo demanded to know. “It’s one thing for him not to be on the same page as Tony Romo but it’s another thing to drop balls. Here’s a hard fought game and every play is important and he makes a mistake like that.”

Jimbo wants Patrick Crayton moved to No. 1 receiver, Miles Austin as No. 2, and Kevin Ogletree as No. 3.

Williams can tweezer splinters out of his ass on the bench for all Jimbo cares. “But that will never happen because Jerry Jones paid him too much money,” he said. “Jerry thought Roy wasn’t producing at a high level when he played for Detroit because they were such a bad team. But it looks like Roy just isn’t that good.”

I’m curious. Why do teams put numbers and names on their jerseys? If you have one, you don’t need the other.

The offensive line was pitiful, allowing Romo to be harassed all afternoon – even in between plays. After Williams fumbled his pass, Romo ran up to the pile of players to get a closer look and he was shoved backward and chest-butted by a big burly Packers lineman. Leonard Davis and other Cowboys lineman stood nearby and watched and did nothing while their quarterback was getting pushed around.

The offensive line shares blame for the dismal running game yesterday. But, c’mon, is it just me or is Felix Jones beginning to run like Felix Unger?

Five sacks, three turnovers, a missed field goal, several dropped passes, and one hangover from last week’s Philly miracle were too much for Romo and Co. to overcome, particularly when our No. 1 receiver has ten thumbs.

Bench The Bum Award — Williams.

Offensive Player Of The Game – none deserve it.

Defensive Player Of The Game – the entire defense played well but the award goes to linebacker Keith Brooking, who is emerging as a great leader and tackler. Coach Wade Phillips gets credit for nabbing Brooking on the free agent market.

Special Teams Player Of The Game – Punter Matt McBriar for running downfield after a punt, making a tackle, and forcing a fumble. The fumble was challenged and overturned, but it didn’t change the fact that McBriar was a beast on that play.

And speaking of beasts….

Separated At Birth Award – Packers linebacker Clay Matthews and this guy.

Off Asides On Dallas Cowboys

Monday, November 2nd, 2009 by Jeff Prince

Coverage of yesterday’s Dallas Cowboys-Seattle Seahawks game opened with a shot of Wade Phillips standing on the sideline, staring blankly ahead with glazed eyes, looks of both confusion and constipation on his face.

The camera then switched to Seattle coach Jim Mora trotting down the sideline, slapping helmets and firing up his players.

Those contrasting styles appeared to favor Mora once the game got started and the hapless Seapidgeons drove into Cowboys territory and kicked a field goal. The ‘pidgeons even made the Cowboys nervous for most of the first half before finally getting their wings clipped.

Way to go Wade! You’ve got your team at 5-2 and in a first-place tie with the Eagles going into this weekend’s game, which will determine top dog.

But don’t think for a second that your coaching slip-ups went unnoticed. Even in yesterday’s dominating win you pissed off Big Jimbo, my football fanatic friend from East Texas: “What in the hell was Felix Jones doing returning kicks late in the game?” Jimbo demanded to know. “Next to Tony Romo and DeMarcus Ware, Felix is the key to this team’s success. To put him in harm’s way when he is just coming off injuries makes no sense.”

Seeing former Cowboys running back Julius Jones was nice (particularly since he was running for Seattle). Jones struck me as a good guy during his difficult years here in Dallas when he was criticized for his inability to become Emmitt Smith (not an easy task).

I can’t figure out what color that is on the Seahawks uniforms. It looks like someone took green, blue, gray, and purple paint and mixed it all in a blender on puree for 30 seconds, and then poured it over a puddle of vomit.

The pink shoes, gloves, towels, caps, and other attire worn by NFL players during October’s breast cancer awareness month are all gone now. I miss the bright pink (especially while watching a game involving the Seapidgeons, whose pants, jerseys and helmets are all the same dull color). Oh well, I still have my car to look at.

During the second quarter the TV showed a highlight clip of Terrell Owens scoring a touchdown for the Buffalo Bills. Wow, wonders never cease. Owens has been a complete bust for the Bills this season (he’s caught only one TD pass all year). The Bills ended up losing 31-10 to the Houston Texans and dropped to a 3-5 record.

Halftime highlights included T.O. scoring for the Bills, to which Terry Bradshaw said, “Hey, Terrell, welcome to the highlights. You finally did something.”

T.O. used to always “dunk” the football over the goalposts in Dallas. Miles Austin tried it after his third quarter touchdown and…couldn’t do it. The bottom rung of the goalpost is 10-feet high, just like a basketball goal. Austin can probably dunk a basketball, but he came up short on yesterday’s attempted football dunk.

Speaking of Owens, I heard something the other day that reminded me of him: There is no “I” in TEAM…but there is a “me.”

Enough about T.O., how ‘bout them Cowboys!

Big Jimbo felt nostalgic: “This game reminded me of the 1970s Cowboys and the early ‘90s Cowboys,” he said. “They had an inferior opponent at home, put them away early and didn’t give them a chance to get back in it.”

‘Course, any Cowboys fan has a right to feel uncertain these days: “The team is playing at a very high level and the next two weeks on the road at Philly and Green Bay should really tell us if this team has what it takes,” Jimbo said.

Patrick Crayton continued his Jekyll and Hyde ways, fumbling a punt and a hand-off before returning another punt for a TD.

Ken Hamlin finally hit somebody yesterday. Unfortunately, the play was already whistled dead and he was tagged with a penalty.

Someone needs to put an APB on the MIA MartyB ASAP.

Offensive coordinator Jason Garrett called an excellent game, which should silence his detractors for a week.

Games balls go to Austin on offense and Ware on defense.

Bench the Bum Award goes to (and I really hate to say this because this guy works hard, blocks downfield, and keeps his mouth shut)…but…it goes to Roy Williams. Dude, how long you been here? Why are you the only receiver who seems constantly out of whack with Romo? When are you going to show us something? You’re letting the undrafted Austin and the unpredictable Crayton make you look like the unreliable Williams.

Separated at Birth Award: Jason Garrett and his twin gone bad.


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